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Just a different girl with an open mind.

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All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass’s massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
“i think i can vaguely see what he meant.”
It’s too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
“when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery…
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves…”

In the back, i sit and i nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they’re starting to pray
And over the music i can hear them say
“dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I’d like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, i come to you with one request
There’s so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so i’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first…

Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place, “hail mary full of grace.”

Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude’s who wanna elope
See the pope said, “nope” so the bros can’t cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can’t cope)
They’ve been in love, they’ve been addicted
Who said they shouldn’t? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you’ve been a dick under benedict but
You can’t have benedicts because there’s only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it’s
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it’s raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back i’m a heretic and i’m on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I’m a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You’re too late, we’re fucked we don’t need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA

"
Rant, Bo Burnham (via ofhorsesandwomen)

39 notes - reblog

silvashko:

cattyjean:

silvashko:

the fact i will never know what having a penis is like significantly bothers me

I imagine it’s like having a boob between your legs.

image

118,747 notes - reblog

thedailydoodles:

"Behind the Closed, Closet Door"
Behind closed closet doors, is where evil likes to dwellYou ask parents what’s behind there, but they’ll never tellIt’s no use asking why, because mom and dad’ll always lieThey’d laugh if you were murdered, and don’t care if you die
So stay up through the night, staring at your closet doorWithin it live various ghost monsters, and terrorists caked in goreThey wait for you to fall asleep, so they can creep into your room(Likely to kidnap and then eat you, one can only assume)
You have to take advantage of a Closet Monster’s LawThat states “if a child stays awake, then you must withdraw”It’s a war of attrition, and you must stick to your plan of attack Cuz’ what’s behind the closet door is trying to make you into a snack.
You’ll see your parent’s surprise as they realize you survived the night(They’ll pretend they’re happy to see you, but it’s contrived delight)Eat a sugary breakfast, nap the entire day at schoolAnd be ready to stay up all night again to show ‘em you ain’t no fool.
(Starring the great Theodore Lewis of Thliii.tumblr.com!)
Wanna appear in your very own Daily Doodle?  CLICK HERE!FAQ  TWITTER  FACEBOOK  SOCIETY6
"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."
Alaska, Looking for Alaska (John Green)

5,508 notes - reblog

thedailydoodles:

"There Ain’t No Laws in Space"
Did you ever know that there ain’t no laws in space?You could lure your enemy to the moon, and shoot them in the face.If the police try to hassle ya, tell ‘em they got no jurisdiction!They have no right to interfere with your murderous predilection
So blow up a hospital on Venus, or rob a bank on MarsRun over Jupiter’s orphans while driving stolen carsIf there’s no laws to stop ya, then it must be quite alright!No need to hide your fiendish crimes each and every night.
And even God will be proud that you found this loopholeHis rules only apply to Earth, so don’t worry about your soulWith a sly wink and a nod, God will look the other wayJust stay forever in outer space, and you’ll never have to pay.
SPACE!
(Thank you to Samantha of Other-side-of-the-universe.com for helping me GIF this!)
Wanna star in your very own Daily Doodle?  CLICK HERE!FAQ  TWITTER  FACEBOOK  SOCIETY6
Anonymous: What are a few things you wish non-Australian people knew about Australia?

eloweasel:

thequeenvevo:

bbc-breaks-hearts:

rockcandypassion:

I’ve been thinking about this ask for a while and here’s what I’ve come up with;

Australia is pronounced “uh-STRAY-lee-ah” rather than “AWW-stray-lee-ah”
Melbourne is pronounced “MEL-bin”, not “mel-BORN”
Brisbane is “BRIS-bin”, not “BRIS-bay-n”
Canberra is “CAN-brah”, not “can-BER-rah”

"Yeah nah" means no
"Nah yeah" means yes

"Fanny" means vagina, not butt

No-one under the age of 60 actually says “G’day mate”

Pies are full of meat

This is fairy bread and everyone should experience it’s magic at children’s birthday parties

These are thongs

These are biscuits

Male kangaroos obviously don’t have pouches because males DON’T HAVE BABIES

Kangaroos don’t just hang around people’s houses they’re wild anim- Oh wait this is my driveway;

THANK YOU

you people are a circus

Fairy bread is amazing. It’s hundreds-and-thousands (yes, that’s what we call ‘sprinkles’ down here) on bread and butter. If you think it’s gross, then you haven’t tried it.

118,929 notes - reblog

hornetaur:

why did the chicken cross the road?

to visit his gay friend

514 notes - reblog

hornetaur:

knock knock!

who’s there?

it’s a chicken

451 notes - reblog

thepacificrimjob:

vanillastopbath:

thepacificrimjob:

back when i was in community college my teacher told us the story of a girl in his class who wanted to have sex with her boyfriend but they didnt have any lube so they used mayonnaise. fast forward a couple of days and she’s getting random orgasms during class and driving places so she goes to the doctor and they check her out and guess what they found

guess

okay ill tell you it was maggots. maggots were in her vagina giving her orgasms. 

image

image

86,934 notes - reblog