so my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying the other day and we did the whole “professor and bad student who needs to pass” thing, only he wanted to be the professor, so I had to be the horny and failing student. I’m the valedictorian of my senior class of 400 and I have a horrible phobia of flunking, so when he whispered “you’re failing my class, you naughty girl” in my ear, I started crying and we had to stop
people need to understand that some people just don’t like talking it has nothing to do with u so don’t take it personally like some people just aren’t talkers and they’ll probably never text u first or initiate a conversation and it’s not because they don’t like u it’s just that they don’t think to say anything bc they’re comfortable with not saying anything
when i was in year 5, i did a speech on clumsiness for my school’s public speaking contest and to be clever, i tripped on my way to the stage dropping my note cards all over the place, but then i pulled the real ones out of my pocket saying ‘if you’re going to be clumsy, it pays to be prepared!’
everyone lost their shit and i got second place
If you got second place who got first… Did they talk about fire safety and burn the stage down or something
All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass’s massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
“i think i can vaguely see what he meant.”
It’s too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
“when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery…
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves…”
In the back, i sit and i nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they’re starting to pray
And over the music i can hear them say
“dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I’d like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, i come to you with one request
There’s so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so i’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first…
Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place, “hail mary full of grace.”
Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude’s who wanna elope
See the pope said, “nope” so the bros can’t cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can’t cope)
They’ve been in love, they’ve been addicted
Who said they shouldn’t? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you’ve been a dick under benedict but
You can’t have benedicts because there’s only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it’s
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it’s raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back i’m a heretic and i’m on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I’m a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You’re too late, we’re fucked we don’t need ya.
In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”—Alaska, Looking for Alaska (John Green)
What are a few things you wish non-Australian people knew about Australia?
I’ve been thinking about this ask for a while and here’s what I’ve come up with;
Australia is pronounced “uh-STRAY-lee-ah” rather than “AWW-stray-lee-ah” Melbourne is pronounced “MEL-bin”, not “mel-BORN” Brisbane is “BRIS-bin”, not “BRIS-bay-n” Canberra is “CAN-brah”, not “can-BER-rah”
"Yeah nah" means no "Nah yeah" means yes
"Fanny" means vagina, not butt
No-one under the age of 60 actually says “G’day mate”
Pies are full of meat
This is fairy bread and everyone should experience it’s magic at children’s birthday parties
These are thongs
These are biscuits
Male kangaroos obviously don’t have pouches because males DON’T HAVE BABIES
Kangaroos don’t just hang around people’s houses they’re wild anim- Oh wait this is my driveway;
back when i was in community college my teacher told us the story of a girl in his class who wanted to have sex with her boyfriend but they didnt have any lube so they used mayonnaise. fast forward a couple of days and she’s getting random orgasms during class and driving places so she goes to the doctor and they check her out and guess what they found
okay ill tell you it was maggots. maggots were in her vagina giving her orgasms.